Jokes    Jokes 

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a Lawyer were traveling together and experienced a miscalculation which landed them, as night fell, in the proverbial middle of nowhere...with only a family farm in sight.
Politely, the three gentlemen knocked at the farmhouse door and explained their predicament to the farmer who, a kind and trusting soul, offered them shelter for the night. "The only problem", said he, "is that I have but two extra beds in the house. This means that one of you must sleep in the barn." Grateful for such hospitality shown to three strangers, each of the weary travelers volunteered for the barn but it was the Rabbi who insisted. And so, while his companions took up lodging in the farmhouse, the Rabbi headed for the barn.

However, about twenty minutes later, there was a knock at the farmhouse door. It was the Rabbi. "Kind sir", said he, addressing the farmer, "I am so sorry...but there is a pig in that barn and my religion forbids me to sleep under the same roof as such an animal." Oh that's OK," the Hindu spoke up, "I'll gladly take your place in the barn and you may have my bed."

And so, everyone settled in for the night...but twenty minutes later there was another knock at the farmhouse door.  It was the Hindu. "Generous sir", said he to the farmer, "There is a cow in that barn and my religion forbids me to sleep under the same roof as such an animal." "Oh that's OK," the Lawyer interrupted, "I'll be happy to take your place in the barn and you may have my bed."

And so, for the third time, everyone in the farmhouse got settled...but there was yet one more knock at the door! 

It was the pig and the cow.

__________________

...this husband and wife, after seven years of marriage, both agreed that the vitality had gone out of their sex life. Wanting to do better, they visited a marriage counselor. The counselor assured them that such ennui was but a perfectly normal phase within a mature relationship and he offered some time-tested advice:

"You've fallen into a rut! You need to bring some spontaneity back into your love life! Don't confine your lovemaking to the same old place at the same old time! The next time you look at each other and can remember that old fire...fergodsakes, don't wait! GO for it! You'll be surprised at the difference it will make!"

Inspired by this homily, the man and woman ended the counseling session and promised to return in two weeks to report on their progress.

Two weeks went by and the couple appeared at their appointed time. They were clearly aglow.
"Well, how did it go?", asked the counselor.
"Terrific!", exclaimed the husband.
"Wonderful!", nodded the wife.
"Tell me about it.", said the counselor.
"The other night, we were having dinner. We looked at each other...and it happened! We both had the same idea at the same time and we remembered what you told us. So we just WENT for it! We tore each other's clothes off and had beautiful, exciting sex right there on the dinner table!"
"Well...great!", said the counselor.
"Only one problem...", said the woman.
"Oh...what's that?"
"We're not allowed in Denny's any more."
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So this woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for two tattoos: one on each inner thigh. "I want the left one to be Robert Redford and the right one to be Paul Newman", she said. When the tattoo artist had finished, the woman looked at the results with a hand-held mirror and shrieked, "These don't look a bit like either one of those guys! I'm not gonna pay you!"
"Whaddya mean?", said the parlor owner. "Anyone could recognize these faces! I'll tell you what", he went on, "I'm SO sure of my work that I'll make a deal with you. We'll bring in the next person who walks by the store and we'll ask him if he can tell whose faces those are. And if he can't, then you don't owe me a thing!" The woman agreed.
So they waited in front of the parlor and the next person who walked by was an old drunk. They invited him in and asked him to identify the faces tattooed on her thighs. The drunk looked at one tattoo...and then turned to look at the other. Slowly back and forth. Finally, he answered, "Well...I don't know who those two guys are...but the one in the middle with the beard and the bad breath? That's Willie Nelson!"

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A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

    Dear Mom,

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.  I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

    He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

    John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

    In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!!

    Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

    Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

    Your daughter,
    Judith

    PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you!  Call when it is safe for me to come home.

______________________________________________________

So this guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting out there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up, takes a deep breath and says:
"Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted
to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift
and in no time they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders.
Of course, no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some
undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in.  I uncovered some incredible
dealings and they awarded me a batch of medals.  Had a
sweet wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is totally astonished,  thunderstruck, overwhelmed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says "Ten dollars? It's a deal!" but he asks the owner,
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "I hate him! He's such a liar!"
___________________
 

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test
results.

 
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of
a mix-up and we have a problem.  When we sent the samples from your
wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as
well and we are now uncertain as to which one is your wife's.  Frankly,
that's either bad or terrible."
Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"
Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for
Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS.  We can't tell which is
your wife."
Mr. Smith: "That's terrible!  Can we do the test over?"
Receptionist:  "Normally, yes.  But you have an HMO, and they won't
pay for these expensive tests more than once. 
Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in
the middle of town.  If she finds her way home, don't sleep with
her."

__________________

Sophia, at age twenty, gave birth to identical twin boys but she was unmarried and unable to provide for them. So she did the sensible thing:  she gave them up for adoption. This was the 1960's and, in those years, it was common practice that, by giving up one's children for adoption, a mother would relinquish all rights of visitation and would be apprised of neither the whereabouts nor the status of her offspring.
 
The years rolled by into the 1980's. Sophia was haunted by thoughts of her twin boys. She entered into a wonderful, though childless, marriage to a kind old man named George. One day, a letter arrived from a young man named Juan. Yes, he had taken advantage of the newly enacted "Freedom of Information" laws to track down his birth mother. Turns out that both boys had been adopted by a wealthy couple from Spain. The other brother had been named Amal, after a famous Basque warrior. Juan included a photograph of himself and promised that a picture of his brother would be arriving in the next day's mail.
 
Sophia, as could be imagined, was overcome with excitement and relief at the news that both her boys were alive and well and that, some day, she might actually get to see them again.
 
While gazing at Juan's photo, she exclaimed to her husband, "I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight...just thinking about tomorrow when I'll get to see a picture of Amal!"
 
"But Sophia, my darling!", said George calmly. "These boys are identical twins...no?  So if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
 __________________
Three gentlemen, ages seventy, eighty, and ninety, were commiserating on the challenges of their many years.
 
The 70 year-old said, "Yeah...it's a problem. I wake up every morning at 7:00 and it takes me half an hour to pee!"
 "Huh", chimed the 80 year-old, "You think THAT's a problem! I wake up each morning at 8:00 and it takes me 45 minutes to crap!"
It was the nonagenarian's turn. "Gentlemen. At 7:00 each morning, I urinate. At 8:00, I have a wonderful bowel movement."
 
His two companions looked at him and said, "Well then, what's the problem?"
 
"I don't wake up until 9:00!"

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When I was a pimply-faced high school junior, I called Mary to ask her to go to the Prom with me...she said "No."

I said, "Ah, Mary. Why not?"

She said, "Do you want the truth or do you want the reason I was going to give you?"

I said, "Well…what was the reason you were going to give me?"

"You're ugly, your mother dresses you funny, you smell bad, your breath would knock the flies off a dump truck and you have no personality!", she answered.

"Oh God, Mary!", I whimpered. "Then what's the truth?"

She replied, "I already HAVE a date for the Prom!"

 

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