Web Log Archive

The Tata Nano is the new Indian car with a suggested retail price of $2500. Far uglier than the Nissan Scion and even the Honda Element, it looks like it's already been in a wreck (on the drafting table)!

With a normally-aspirated two-cylinder engine (only slightly more powerful than a rotary lawnmower), its features include no power steering, no air conditioning, only a single windshield wiper and about enough trunk space for a large briefcase.

The vehicle's top speed is said to be about 70 miles per hour (straight down, off a cliff). Indian engineers are still trying to calculate its fuel efficiency but, so far, the numbers are encouraging. The car uses almost no fuel in the forty or fifty feet it travels between breakdowns.
The Indian Ministry of Health has recently 'adopted' the Nano for its 2008 campaign to highlight the many health benefits of walking.

Friday, January 11th, 2008

“The Air Force has a saying that says if you’re not catching flak, you’re not over the target. I’m catching the flak; I must be over the target.”
Mike Huckabee, responding to some pandering from that Bozo, Fred Thompson, in the latest Republican debate in South Carolina.

"women know that Hillary's campaign is a very historic thing, and to have her treated in a dismissive way by a bunch of white male buffoon talking heads had women ticked off. My gut feeling is that they stormed to the polls. Something happened here!"
Garry South, a Democratic political consultant: offering a possible explanation as to why and how the pre-election polls in New Hampshire were so wrong.

Tom Wolfe wrote that "a liberal is a conservative who has been arrested." I wonder if that same transformation might be expected from a 'conservative' who has suffered the indignities of a late-night visit to a hospital emergency room. Glenn Beck is certainly no match for Bill O'Reilly...or Sean Hannity but, let's be clear: he is an asshole! And so, fittingly, Mr. Beck submitted to a hemorrhoid operation and (Newsflash!) it hurt! So he 'took something' to ease the pain. In his own words...from his sickbed...in a video posted on his Web site:

"I had the best doctors. I had problem with medications. I had a drug in me that was 80 times stronger than morphine. I had been convinced that life wasn't going to change. It was just not worth living. It was a scary place. It's the only time in my life that could have come out of the movie 'Saw' — the things coming out of my head, much drug-induced with the medication that they had me on in the hospital. I had one of the darker moments of my life. I was full-fledged suicidal. If they would have come into that room with a handgun...I would have taken the handgun and ended it all."

So Tania, his wife...concerned for his mental state, dragged him back to the hospital.

"When we got to the ER there was such a lack of compassion. I've never seen anything like it!" he whined. "Two nurses briefly came out and spoke to [us]. Then an exacerbated (sic) triage nurse greeted [us]. He never even made eye contact with me!" Doubtless, the nurse recognized him!

Mr. Beck's public whimpering attracted plenty of reader/viewer comments. Most of them were not sympathetic. Here's a sample, posted by 'fsisd':

"Just imagine if this had been a poor person with no health insurance. Beck received the best care we are getting right now from our hospitals. Locally, our hospital started buying fancy artwork for the walls at extravagant prices. Too bad Beck did not go there. At least he could have looked at nice paintings while he was writhing in pain. A recent article said the head of United Health Care made $124 million dollars last year. Beck, you are getting what the Republicans wanted, why are you now complaining about it just because it affects you?"

Tuesday, January 8th, 2008 Elvis Presley was born seventy-three years ago today.

"...the dogmas of [Mormonism] are breathtaking. They include these: that in 1827 a young man named Joseph Smith dug up a set of golden plates covered with indecipherable writing; that, with the help of a pair of magic spectacles, he “translated” the plates from an otherwise unknown language (Reformed Egyptian) into an Olde English that reads like an unfunny parody of the King James Bible; that the Garden of Eden is in Missouri; that American Indians descend from Hebrew immigrants; that Jesus reappeared in pre-Columbian America and converted so many people that the result was a series of archeologically unconfirmable wars in which millions died; that while polygamy had divine approval for most of the nineteenth century, God changed his mind in 1890, just in time for Utah to be allowed into the Union; and that God waited until 1978 to reveal that it was O.K. for blacks to be fully paid-up members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints."
Hendrik Hertzberg

Today was the dreadlock day. I had already used up one postponement. The County Courthouse isn't exactly on the next block from where I live. It is, in, fact, more than twenty miles away. Hospitals and courtrooms are frequently the backdrop for TV and movie dramas but, as anyone who has ever answered a Jury Summons is painfully aware, serving on a jury is deadly dull...mostly too boring to recount. About two hundred of us arrived at the Court House at about 8:30 AM...but it was closer to 10:00 before anything happened and it was nearly 2:00 PM before I, personally, was directed to do anything! Most of the time was spent waiting...and listening to homilies about public service and watching a video about civic responsibility...and waiting. But at least there were enough chairs for everyone...NOT!
I'm sure that if someone can devise a way to make the jury selection process any less efficient than it already is, then that innovation will promptly be implemented. I never got to learn the nature of the trial for which I was a jury candidate; but the rosy-cheeked prosecuting attorney looked young enough to be my granddaughter...and the defendant was a Rastafarian gentleman: about seven feet tall but with only one leg. When told that the trial might last three weeks, I came up with a 'hardship' excuse. Jesus! For whom would a three week trial not be a hardship? So I slithered away sometime after 3:00 PM with a 'deferral'...until April.

"People are looking for a presidential candidate who reminds them more of the guy they work with rather than of the guy that laid them off."
Mike Huckabee

A "...crisis occurs when the old is dying and the new cannot be born; in this interregnum a great variety of morbid symptoms appear."
From the Prison Notebooks of Antonio Gramsci, 1891-1937

The moral of the story is...: "Always take your cell phone with you."
Beata Bartoszewicz, Niles, Illinois

About eight years ago, I was stuck all by myself in an elevator for about fifty minutes. Unlike Beata and her mom, however, my elevator was in a quite populated Corporate building...it wasn't a holiday or a weekend...I wasn't hungry, cold or tired and I didn't have to pee. The emergency telephone in the car (a code requirement: elevators must be operated in compliance with Department of Transportation guidelines) was working and, so, I knew that help (in the form of $80 per hour certified mechanics) was on the way.

It was an altogether pleasant experience, actually....relaxing, even. I spent part of the time learning how to set the features on my wristwatch.

"Ouch! It hurts my brain. It should be crushed immediately before it spreads."
"Yet another non-word trying to worm its way into the English language due to the Internet. It belongs in the same school of non-thought that brought us e-anything and i-anything."
These were but two of the comments by numerous individuals who had nominated 'Webinar' as one among nineteen words or phrases deserving of banishment in 2008. 'Webinar' is a contraction of 'Web Seminar' in the same manner that 'Blog' is a contraction of...oh never mind.
For all you wordsmiths, The other eighteen (among them, 'decimate', 'organic' and 'under the bus') are listed on a page at the Web site of Lake Superior State University.

Had Tatiana escaped her enclosure on Christmas night to devour a young mother pushing a baby in a stroller, the public reaction out here would be different. Different, that is, from what it is now...now that the perception, at least, is that the beautiful tiger's last meal was a three-course serving of drunken young louts who had been taunting her.
From the night of the gruesome incident, our local birdcage liner has been all over this story. But the two survivors have refused to talk to the press! Understandable at first, perhaps, though it was soon revealed that they had been spectacularly uncooperative with the police as well...even though it was to the police that they owed their survival! The dead boy's father did speak to the press and his first revelation was that one of the two surviving brothers had lied to him (the father, that is) when he had called them, shortly before the attack, inquiring as to the whereabouts of his only (seventeen year-old) child, who had not arrived home for Christmas dinner with his family, as planned.
Worse was to follow. It turns out that the brothers, age19 and 23, were arrested in October on charges of public intoxication and were belligerent while in police custody. Meanwhile, Zoo officials were quick to deflect blame from themselves, implying that the trio must have done something to enrage Tatiana. In the Zoo's favor was (is) the fact that, in the sixty-seven year history of the Tiger Grotto, no animal had ever escaped...before now.
Yesterday, it was revealed that the same attorney who unsuccessfully defended Scott Peterson has been retained for the brothers' expected civil suit against the Zoo and the City of San Francisco.
This promises to be an interesting legal matter. Although the police have been tight-lipped, it has been leaked that an empty bottle of vodka was discovered in the car by which the three youths arrived at the Zoo...and a woman has come forward who claims that she witnessed the boys harassing the tiger not long before its fateful escape. The plaintiffs will likely petition the Court for a change of venue when the civil suit is filed. Public sympathy, at first reflexively granted to the human victims, has quickly switched to the tiger. It will be hard to empanel a jury in San Francisco with people who are not familiar with the case...and who have not formed an opinion.

The following comment, posted by someone who calls himself SFVisitor1966, is typical:

"By hiring (attorney) Mark Geragos, it shows you right there what kind of punks these guys are. I hope justice prevails and these punks get put in the slammer for at least manslaughter in the deaths of both Carlos Jr. and Tatiana."

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on her. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
"Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

Tuesday, January 1st, 2008

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little boost in his PR. After his talk, he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?"
"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Before the President can answer, the bell rings for recess and Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
After recess, George says, "OK, where were we? Oh yeah: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," says the lad.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"Actually, I have 6 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

Oil Change
For Men		For Women
1) Saturday: drive to Kragen's. 2) Buy a case of oil, oil filter, kitty litter, some hand cleaner and a scented tree. 3) Stop by 7-11, buy a case of beer, drive home. 4) Open a beer and drink it. 5) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 6) Find jack stands under kids' pedal car. 7) Open another beer. Drink it. 8) Place drain pan under engine. 9) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 10) Give up and use crescent wrench. 11) Unscrew drain plug. 12) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on yourself. 13) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. 14) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during Step 12. 15) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 16) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 17) Give up; crawl under car, drive screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 18) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter. 19) Hide old oil filter in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. 20) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. 21) Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go watch buddy's new HDTV. 22) Sunday: drag pan full of used oil out from underneath car. 23) Dump used oil in hole in back yard. 24) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during Step 18. 25) Beer? Nope, drank it all yesterday. 26) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 27) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 28) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 29) Remember drain plug from step 11. 30) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 31) Remember that drain plug is in the used oil in the hole in the back yard. 32) Drink beer. 33) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. 34) Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. 35) Steal sand from kids' sandbox to conceal oily patch of ground. 36) Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. 37) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on garage floor. 38) Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 39) Drink beer. 40) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. 41) Wipe eyes with oily rag. 42) Slip with crescent wrench tightening drain plug; bang knuckles on frame. 43) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to Step 42. 44) Begin cursing. 45) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 46) Curse some more because crescent wrench hits bowling trophy. 47) Beer. 48) Clean up hands and forehead; bandage as required to stop blood flow. 49) Beer. 50) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 51) Beer. 52) Remove jack stands. 53) Lower car; accidentally crush remaining cans in case of new motor oil. 54) Roll car back to throw more kitty litter on oil spilled during Step 53. 55) Beer. 56) Test drive car. 57) Get pulled over by cops. 58) Get arrested for DUI. 59) Get car impounded. 60) Call loving wife, make bail. 61) Monday: retrieve car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts: $50 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total: $4,165.00 (But you know the job was done right!)		1) Drive in to Jiffy Lube when odometer indicates 3000 miles since last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) Write a check and leave15 minutes later with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total: $21.00