Pete
Holmes
Web Log Archive, October 21st through November 3rd, 2007
Saturday, November 3rd, 2007
An elderly gentleman had owned a large
farm for several years upon which there was a nice, deep pond which he had fixed
up and shaped, complete with picnic tables, apple and peach trees. One evening
the farmer decided to go down to the pond, just to look it over. He hadn't
visited it in the year since his wife died. With him he took a five-gallon
bucket, just in case he found any fruit worth retrieving.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee and, as he drew closer, he could see a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He cleared his throat to make the women aware of his
presence and, at this, they all hunkered down to shield their nakedness.
"We're not comin' out till you leave,"
shouted one.
"That's OK," replied the old man,
"...didn't mean to disturb you. I just came down to
feed the alligator."
Friday, November 2nd, 2007
Thursday, November 1st, 2007
A
2006 survey by Pew Research Center found 36 percent of 18 to 25 year-olds and 40
percent of 25 to 29 year-olds have at least one tattoo. The least costly tattoo
will be about $50 and many folks eagerly pay ten times that sum for custom work
done by a 'recognized' artist.
And so, when the Dunlop
Tire Co. offered a buncha free "Smoking
Tire Flying D" logo tattoos done by celebrity
tattoo artist Katherine von Drachenberg along with a free set
of new Dunlop tires at its Specialty
Equipment Market Association show in Las Vegas, well...say no more!
BTW, according to tattoohealth.org, whatever the cost of tattoo placement, tattoo removal is more costly! It is estimated that more than half of individuals who get a tattoo later regret it. Laser removal can range from several hundred, up into the thousands of dollars...and not all tattoos can be completely removed!
Wednesday, October 31st, 2007
A tombstone from the Confederate
Cemetery in Raymond, Mississippi.
Photo courtesy of RJ.
Click to enlarge.
Near as I can read it, the lines at the bottom are: "A faithful slave. A true friend."
The Battle of
Raymond was fought on May 12th, 1863. At least one hundred forty Confederate
soldiers from that battle are buried in the Cemetery, only one hundred nine of
whom are known by name.
At least fifty Union soldiers died in the same battle.
After the War, their remains were moved to the National
Cemetery at Vicksburg, Mississippi.
It is estimated
that 360,000 Union and 260,000 Confederate soldiers died in the Civil War: more
Americans deaths than in
World Wars I and II combined!
Tuesday, October 30th, 2007
Once again,
Pope Benedict 24 has
demonstrated his relevance for our time! This past Sunday, in St. Peter's
Square, he performed the largest mass (as in mega) beatification in the history
of the Church! Now...if you're not either of my regular readers, you may
not know what this term ('beatification') means. Simply put...it's the first
step (of three) on the journey to Sainthood in the Catholic Church. Ordinarily,
"the examination of reputed miracles is the
essence of this phase of the
process. [But] in cases of martyrdom, the requisite for proven
miracles may be minimized or waived." And martyrs
these were, these 498 newly-beatified individuals, most of whom were done in
during the Spanish Civil War in 1936. Get out yer old four-banger: that's
"two bishops, 24 priests, 462 nuns and monks,
three seminarians and seven lay people." Yup!
Four hundred ninety-eight!
Wherever these folks are now, they must be celebrating
this timely recognition of "their love
for Christ." The Pontiff went on to say that "these
beatifications remind us of the importance of humbly following our Lord
even to the point of offering our lives for the faith, especially in our
secularized society." Each of these 498 now 'Venerable'
individuals is presently a mere two proven miracles shy of progressing to
the 'pinnacle of the process'...and that
is "to merit declaration as a canonized saint:
one who is definitively deemed to dwell with God in heaven!"
Monday, October 29th, 2007
A recent poll by 463
Communications and Zogby International found that about a quarter of the US
population thinks a broadband connection compensates for not having a
significant other (who might, after all, leave
the cap off the toothpaste, fail to put the seat down on the toilet or hog the
TV remote). Tom
Abate
The same poll found that more than one in five people
would say 'yes' if someone offered to purchase their identity (i.e., their name)
for $100,000...and that almost everyone agrees that Scarlett Johansson is
sexier than the Apple iPhone. ^_^
Sunday, October 28th, 2007
According
to Travelodge
spokeswoman Leigh McCarron, the incidence of sleepwalking has increased over the
years at the company's British hotels. It has, in fact, become almost routine
for guests in their sleepwear to enter the lobby and pepper receptionists with
casual questions such as "Where's the bathroom?"
and "Do you have a newspaper?"
The company's newly-revised "sleepwalkers
guide" counsels staff to keep a supply of towels at the front
desk in case a customer's 'dignity needs preserving'.
When asked why she thought that 95 percent of its somnambulist patrons
were naked men, Ms. McCarron was diplomatic: "We
have more men staying with us than women."
Reuters
Saturday, October 27th, 2007
"Life is a series of sales
situations, and the answer is 'no' if you don't ask.
You do what you have to do, to do what you want to do!"
Patricia Fripp
"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but
you never see a smart woman with a dumb guy."
Erica Jong
"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes
because I know I'm not dumb...and I know I'm not blonde."
Dolly Parton
"My mother always told me I
wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate and I said: 'just
wait!' "
Judy Tenuta
Friday, October 26th, 2007 Hillary Clinton is Sixty Years Old
Ya
know how when some stories you read in the MSM are so
far out that you figure they can't be true...that they must be a
put-on...like something outta The
Onion?
Like the time Anne Coulter was quoted
as saying that the 9/11 widows were 'enjoying their
husbands' deaths' or when you heard that Bush 41 had wondered
aloud, in
a speech on September 7th, 1988, "...how many
Americans remember -- today is Pearl Harbor Day?"
Here's one: What if someone told you that, in Japan right now,
someone is marketing a defend-yourself-against-crime
'gadget': an article of clothing that enables you to disguise yourself in plain
view in a city!?! Sort of like if you were being chased through a forest, you
could make yourself look like a tree!?! Yeah! Something right out of Scooby-Doo!
No? Yes! Just imagine you're walking alone at night in a rough part of
town and, suddenly, you realize that you are being stalked by a pack of muggers?
Nooooo problem! All you gotta do is sprint around the
nearest corner, pull yer string and (poof!)
you look just like a soft drink vending machine and those hooligans'll never
guess where ya went (unless yer white shoes give
you away...or unless they learned to read somewhere and might have happened to
have seen an ad for one a them gadgets or unless they get a sugar craving and try to feed you a
coin)!
Thursday, October 25th, 2007
"I
live my life in a morally upright manner and have never, ever engaged in any
sexual behavior with any man outside of my marriage!"
Lindsay
Roberts
"Intimidation, blackmail and
extortion!" Richard
Roberts
"The devil is not going to
steal ORU!" Oral
Roberts
"The smoke that we've seen in
this city for so many years...we will show that there is a fire."
Gary
Richardson
Wednesday, October 24th, 2007
"The next
president is going to have to use his noodle. Iran may be trying to go nuclear,
but Pakistan already is -- and it's so unstable the present government may not
last long. The United States cannot make war all over the globe. War should be
the last resort, spoken of with the respect it deserves and in terms that
acknowledge the dizzying chaos, widespread terrorism and grievances that would
haunt us long into the future. War with Iran will not turn out to be the
applause line it is in the campaign."
Richard
Cohen
Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007
For years, it has
been an obsession: an unhealthy, alienating fixation. It has
imbued my every (what used to be) routine trip to the
local Safeway with an anxiety once reserved for a dentist's Novocain needle to
my gums. I am speaking of the proliferation of remote-controlled car-locking
devices: the ones which honk the vehicle's horn to assure its owner that his
or her vehicle is 'secure'. 'Alienating' because I have met no one
who is as unnerved by these devices as I am. Even those who,
intellectually at least, agree with me that their use is evidence of the
vehicle owner's primitive nervous system, do not seem to share my visceral
reaction. Like a Pavlovian
mutt, I have become 'expert'
at anticipating the horn-honking...which invariably follows the sound of
the car door closing. Fords and Hondas and General Motors SUV's are the worst, but one can never tell
when a Nissan or a Dodge or a Toyota might also be equipped with these mood-wreckers. I've noticed that luxury cars (Mercedes, Lexus and BMW at
least) now come equipped with an almost pleasant (and, to my ears, acceptable)
'chime' which serves
the same function as the crude horn honk
of the more pedestrian brands. Is this some reason for hope?
Car horns were put on motor vehicles as emergency (as in: safety)
accessories! Car horns were designed to
create anxiety! They were designed to alert someone to a hazard! To use
them as a routine, personal convenience is a perversion and, well...inexcusable!
I
have no sense of humor about this subject and I can't remember
when...or even if...I ever did! But over the past six months or
so, I have come to regard myself as someone with a social handicap...like
someone with a pronounced limp...or stutter...or crossed eye...or
amputated limb...or facial birthmark. So I have tried to 'come
to terms' with my obsession. I have tried to 'tamp it down'...to 'get a grip',
as it were. I have come to feel so isolated and so
(again) alienated by the sheer ubiquity of these devices that learning to
accept them has come to seem like the only salvation for my sanity. I am weary
of confrontations and tired of plotting (criminal) acts of retaliation
for the rude and unconscious behavior of my fellow citizens.
OK...I know
that these ramblings are phantasmagoric
to nearly everyone else on this planet but...imagine
the 'validation' I
felt when, this morning, I learned that famed screenwriter/director, Henry
Bean, is a fellow obsessive! He has just, in fact, made a movie on
this very subject called 'Noise',
starring Tim Robbins.
Says Bean: "For me,
noise becomes a metaphor for power. The noise that I have to listen to, that I
have no control over, that invades my house, my ears, my thoughts..."
Monday, October 22nd, 2007
"The term 'Indian
Summer' is generally associated with a period of considerably above normal
temperatures, accompanied by dry and hazy conditions ushered in on a south or
southwesterly breeze." So reads a
USA Today article quoting a National Weather Service Web site. Seems that no one is
quite sure about the origins of the term. There are competing
theories.
Not every year has its Indian Summer but today was certainly
one Indian Summer day here in Northern
California. It's still 74 degrees inside at 8:50 PM!
Is it possible for baseball to get
any more boring? Blame it on the pee-testing! For the very survival of the game,
players should be encouraged to take performance-enhancing drugs! I
mean...say what you will about Barry (Mr. Personality) Bonds but he did
keep things interesting...even while his paramour
dumped on him by revealing some embarrassing aspects of his long-term steroid
use.
The last three games of the American League Championship
Series were won by the Boston Red Sox, in Boston, by the scores of 7-1,
12-2 and 11-2. Boring!
Sunday, October 21st, 2007
This weekend, at the Values Voter Summit in Washington DC, Mitt Romney declared, “I am pro-family on every level, from personal to political. I oppose abortion in military clinics. I oppose funding abortion in international aid programs and I will work to ban embryonic cloning.”
NYT Columnist Gail
Collins writes:
"He was almost
as impassioned as he was during his 1994 [Massachusetts] Senate race against Ted
Kennedy, when he talked about the 'dear, close family relative who was
very close to me' who died from an illegal abortion and his firm
conviction that 'we will not force our beliefs on others on that matter.
And you will not see me wavering on that.'
while Mitt Romney has changed everything but his name in
order to make them happy, a sizable chunk of the Christian right cannot seem to
forgive him for being a Mormon."